You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
