She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Randomize
