Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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