so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
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I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
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Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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