woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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