i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
