i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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