i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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