I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
