I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
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