i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
