I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
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