Redeem this text for a blowjob
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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