11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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