If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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