This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize