my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
