Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
