just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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