Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
