Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He felt like a one man threesome
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
