either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
