I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
