Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
