you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
