ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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