i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
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