i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
