Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
