barbara walters just said penis...
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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