She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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