it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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