Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
