i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.