I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
