I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
