when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
