If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
