I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
