My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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