I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
She bit a glass in half.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
