I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
