Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
