I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
