I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
false alarm. still invincible.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
