man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
