just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
