Apparently you make a good broom.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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