i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
