can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
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is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
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We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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