coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
