Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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