Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize