I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
