Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
