The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Randomize
