My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
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