my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
