I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
