A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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