Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
