I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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