Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
