nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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