yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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